I had the weirdest dream last night. My life has been overflowing right now with life. Specifically people coming and people going. Recently I have experienced some great loss, and also some new life. Having lost my little brother only months ago, I have been looking at things now in great detail and with constant question. Also, having many friends and people that are constants in my life reproducing, I can't help but connect the two.
Fall and the onset of cold weather always makes me reflect. I have so many things to be grateful for. I have the cutest, smallest little family, that I often feel is all I have. And because we like to be to ourselves a lot, enjoying our own company I can't help but love the two boys in my life so much.
I feel like it is fall in my life. Not the start of school, but the end of a year, the end of a way of thinking, and maybe the end of a period in my life. This might be a period of ignorance, not sure. I never thought of myself as ignorant. Although, when there are parts of life you never understand until it happens to you, that is a sense of unknown ignorance.
I have never truly dealt with loss before, not in this way. The easiest thing for me is to put my worries miles away. If the problem is not close to home, it is easy to overlook in every day tasks. The hardest thing is having those days when you turn the music on to clean, the baby is asleep, and the words speak to you. I try to think that it is about something else, not what I am going through. I can't help but break down and let myself feel. Tears are dangerous, they make you feel alive, human... vulnerable.
I have discovered that I am someone who bottles things up. Wow, that was hard to admit. Putting on a smile is so much more important to me then showing people who I really am, and what I could be feeling. Okay, that was way too much self therapy today.
In the dream, I died. I was at war. Not sure why. My platoon was captured, and the enemy was disposing of all of us. When it was my turn, I sat in a chair and I was shot. What stuck in my mind was not the pain (which can be very real in a dream) but the quiet functioning of my organs. My breathing slowed, and just as I "died" it paused for a second and then started again.
My bodied had died, and it seamed to be my spirit that was breathing now. Even in the dream I remember very vividly questioning what was happening. When I realized that I had indeed died, but it was my spirit breathing, I got a huge feeling of relief. As I calmed and relaxed into my breathing I slowly realized I was dreaming, and tried to hold on. Slowly, I came out of it and felt strangely at peace. My body ached all over. Just the knowledge that the silence did not take over after my breathing stopped is what I hold on to.
I am happy to know that the end of a breath is not the end, and that people that leave us are starting something new.