Thursday, November 17, 2011

My life circling around

I was reading through my blog tonight and got to the second to first post and thought it incredibly ironic that it applied to me today. Three years ago, at the same time of year, I was going through some personal struggles and having a hard time coping and dealing with my issues in a healthy way. Now, years later I am going through something incredibly similar and find it so interesting that this post applies to me today. Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never the same. Life will go on, and the days will continue. Maybe this is me starting my new breath.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I had the weirdest dream last night. My life has been overflowing right now with life. Specifically people coming and people going. Recently I have experienced some great loss, and also some new life. Having lost my little brother only months ago, I have been looking at things now in great detail and with constant question. Also, having many friends and people that are constants in my life reproducing, I can't help but connect the two.
Fall and the onset of cold weather always makes me reflect. I have so many things to be grateful for. I have the cutest, smallest little family, that I often feel is all I have. And because we like to be to ourselves a lot, enjoying our own company I can't help but love the two boys in my life so much.
I feel like it is fall in my life. Not the start of school, but the end of a year, the end of a way of thinking, and maybe the end of a period in my life. This might be a period of ignorance, not sure. I never thought of myself as ignorant. Although, when there are parts of life you never understand until it happens to you, that is a sense of unknown ignorance.
I have never truly dealt with loss before, not in this way. The easiest thing for me is to put my worries miles away. If the problem is not close to home, it is easy to overlook in every day tasks. The hardest thing is having those days when you turn the music on to clean, the baby is asleep, and the words speak to you. I try to think that it is about something else, not what I am going through. I can't help but break down and let myself feel. Tears are dangerous, they make you feel alive, human... vulnerable.
I have discovered that I am someone who bottles things up. Wow, that was hard to admit. Putting on a smile is so much more important to me then showing people who I really am, and what I could be feeling. Okay, that was way too much self therapy today.
In the dream, I died. I was at war. Not sure why. My platoon was captured, and the enemy was disposing of all of us. When it was my turn, I sat in a chair and I was shot. What stuck in my mind was not the pain (which can be very real in a dream) but the quiet functioning of my organs. My breathing slowed, and just as I "died" it paused for a second and then started again.
My bodied had died, and it seamed to be my spirit that was breathing now. Even in the dream I remember very vividly questioning what was happening. When I realized that I had indeed died, but it was my spirit breathing, I got a huge feeling of relief. As I calmed and relaxed into my breathing I slowly realized I was dreaming, and tried to hold on. Slowly, I came out of it and felt strangely at peace. My body ached all over. Just the knowledge that the silence did not take over after my breathing stopped is what I hold on to.
I am happy to know that the end of a breath is not the end, and that people that leave us are starting something new.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Yeah... Blogging gets put on the back burner when you are suddenly a single mom working full time raising two baby boys on your own. Sad face. Don't expect any new posts anytime soon. Sorry to all my hundreds of readers who check my site everyday for updates.


Sunday, June 26, 2011

The big 4

Happy Fourth Birthday Nick!

I can't believe this boy has been in my life for four years now. He is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. He keeps me busy, laughing, smiling, annoyed, on the edge of my seat and always coming back for more. He never ceases to amaze me with his incredible personality. He is caring and so in tuned to what is going on, and what is said. He remembers everything. I don't know what I must have done to deserve him, but whatever it was, I'm glad.

I sure love you Nick. I can't imagine my life without you. You are the best big brother, and genuinely love your little Gibson. Happy Birthday Kid. I will love you forever.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011



just made the beginning of my summer that much better. :)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Nick's Room

Finished a big project last week. I made this wall hanging quilt for Nick's wall. It has pictures of all of his grandparents and his parents of course. :) There are 4 four generation pictures on the quilt too, which I love! Nick is such a lucky little boy he has so many families that love him so much.

On the quilt are pictures of McFarlands, Springobs, Merrills, Brockbanks and Hills. And pictures of Nick with me and Zack. And I printed everyones names on the quilt as well, so when he gets old enough to read he will remember who everyone is. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have grandparents and great grandparents on every side to keep track of! :) He sure loves them all too.
Here is a picture of where it hangs in his room. Also, a picture of the quilt I made him for Christmas for his new bed that Great Grandpa Hill made him. I LOVE his room. It's hard to see in this picture, but there is an alphabet in the form of a train on the wall there above his bed.
Just wanted to share. :)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Nick Hill at Ski School

We are so proud of our little skier!
This year Nick got to go to ski school! It was five weeks long, every Saturday, all day at Snowbird Ski Resort in SLC, UTah. He always came home exhausted, and eventually told us about all the neat things he was learning.

Zack told me when he got to see him ski he was always racing down the mountain. One particular time Nick was skiing with his instructor and (what looked intentional) skied him into a large group of people and took off around them and zipped down the hill. Little stinker.
Above is his instructor Greg (AKA Cody). Nick on the left. He alternated taking Nick and this other little boy(?) out to ski. Below is a letter that Greg wrote to us telling us about Nick and his progress in the program.
And lastly there is his "report card". It is all pretty accurate, other than "I know my instructors name." I asked Greg what Nick called him during the day, he said Greg. I said, well... he calls you Cody at home. Not sure why... hahahah Such a funny boy.

To enlarge any of the pictures to see them better, just click on it, it will open in another window and you can enlarge it from there.

Congratulation Nick! We are so proud of you.
-Mom and Dad

Monday, March 21, 2011


I just love this picture of my boys. It's the very beginning of a lifetime friendship. :) They just love each other so much already. Gibson smiles and stares at Nick whenever he is where he can see him. And Nick is always kissing and hugging his brother... and squeezing his face with both hands and talking baby talk to him. They are so sweet.

We are having a lot of fun as a family of four. I can't wait for the warm weather so we can start camping.

By the way... anyone want to buy me this: