I just love the photo booth program!
Look how long my nose is!

Well nothing too deep today. Just a fun note telling the world that weird photographs like these make me laugh, and it is one thing in the last five years that has made me laugh so hard I started to cry a little! Or at least that I can remember.

These ones may not be that hilarious, but the ones that I took of myself, that I would never post, made me role on the floor laughing. Pathetically... I was all alone when I did it. SO, I was free to squirm and giggle as much as I liked. How nice that is. No one watching, not having to be conscious of anything for a change. Nice.

Sometimes, it is just nice to be my weird self.

I had the weirdest dream last night. My life has been overflowing right now with life. Specifically people coming and people going. Recently I have experienced some great loss, and also some new life. Having lost my little brother only months ago, I have been looking at things now in great detail and with constant question. Also, having many friends and people that are constants in my life reproducing, I can't help but connect the two.
Fall and the onset of cold weather always makes me reflect. I have so many things to be grateful for. I have the cutest, smallest little family, that I often feel is all I have. And because we like to be to ourselves a lot, enjoying our own company I can't help but love the two boys in my life so much.
I feel like it is fall in my life. Not the start of school, but the end of a year, the end of a way of thinking, and maybe the end of a period in my life. This might be a period of ignorance, not sure. I never thought of myself as ignorant. Although, when there are parts of life you never understand until it happens to you, that is a sense of unknown ignorance.
I have never truly dealt with loss before, not in this way. The easiest thing for me is to put my worries miles away. If the problem is not close to home, it is easy to overlook in every day tasks. The hardest thing is having those days when you turn the music on to clean, the baby is asleep, and the words speak to you. I try to think that it is about something else, not what I am going through. I can't help but break down and let myself feel. Tears are dangerous, they make you feel alive, human... vulnerable.
I have discovered that I am someone who bottles things up. Wow, that was hard to admit. Putting on a smile is so much more important to me then showing people who I really am, and what I could be feeling. Okay, that was way too much self therapy today.
In the dream, I died. I was at war. Not sure why. My platoon was captured, and the enemy was disposing of all of us. When it was my turn, I sat in a chair and I was shot. What stuck in my mind was not the pain (which can be very real in a dream) but the quiet functioning of my organs. My breathing slowed, and just as I "died" it paused for a second and then started again.
My bodied had died, and it seamed to be my spirit that was breathing now. Even in the dream I remember very vividly questioning what was happening. When I realized that I had indeed died, but it was my spirit breathing, I got a huge feeling of relief. As I calmed and relaxed into my breathing I slowly realized I was dreaming, and tried to hold on. Slowly, I came out of it and felt strangely at peace. My body ached all over. Just the knowledge that the silence did not take over after my breathing stopped is what I hold on to.
I am happy to know that the end of a breath is not the end, and that people that leave us are starting something new.

Pictures Please

Having a baby makes you question everything you ever did with your free time and everything you thought defined you. What defines you? It's so common for people to run after a dream that they fantasized about when they were wee ones and never give it a second thought, then ten years into their courier determine they hate their job. Another half of the population follow the crowds to college and change their major four times, endlessly deciding on some major that they could never support a family with. The heated debate is which is good and right? Do you fill your time with something you love and let your family live in rags and scrape by? Or, do you grit your teeth through a painful number of years so your family is provided for in a comfortable way, but your own self worth and sanity is in question?
I have a passion for sewing. I am really not good at the details if you look really close, but I love to create with my hands. I love the look on someone's face when I put hours into a beautiful baby blanket and they accept it almost knowing what I went through to give it to them. This is one of my simple joys in life. So, the question becomes, do I exploit these talents and sell myself to make a quick buck? Then does this wonderful hobby not become a chore?
I think that one of the first ways to define who you are, is to separate work from play. I think your work could very well be something you love to do. The thing we love to do most should be our "play", should it not? If our profession is our one true passion, where is our outlet? How do we not go mad? I would go mad if I sewed baby quilts all day long till my fingers were raw.
My play is sewing. My work is my work.
Having a child makes you think about your priorities. It makes you separate your tasks into priorities. It makes you take every minute you have to yourself as the only minute that ever was. Time becomes a rarity. I have come to cherish every minute whether it is spent sewing, working, or with my son.

My first post...

I am starting this blog in response to some really rad blogs I have seen lately. More importantly, I am starting a habit of blogging to figure out what my name is. One of the most important things in history is the records that were created and left behind when the times kept moving forward. If I am to leave something behind, I must first understand who I am to better tell someone else how I lived my life, and for what purpose. In search of self discovery; I post my thoughts, feelings and awakenings for those to read who might also be encountering the same journey.
In the depth of all that is confusing, I am not quite sure what this blog will bring out of me; maybe just ramblings and nonsense. I might end up finding my one true and undeniable purpose in life. Those of you who know me well, the few of you, know I have been searching for the center of my onion for some time. This has not always been an active search, but underlying. Excelling at many random things is something that I do well. But what defines me? Have you ever known anyone that has no idea what to do with their life? Yes, I am a Mother and a Wife, and I have a job that I am really good at... but there has got to be more. Sole purpose is what I seek. If you know, give me a hint.

Signing off.

Jamie